I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
