Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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