Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
