I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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