remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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