My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
