ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just pee around me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
