She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
