remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
