Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
