WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
