I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
