listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
