walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
