My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
