Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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