I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
