I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
