someone threw a dead crab at me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
