I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
