now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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