I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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