Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
