When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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