The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
