I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
