I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
