I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
