how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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