He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
