ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
