I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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