someone threw a dead crab at me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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