UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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