Me. At least after what I've been through.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
