East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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