Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
