I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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