i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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