Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
