I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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