im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
