I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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