I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i drank out of a bidet.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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