then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
