Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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