I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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