How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
