everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
