12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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