So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
