It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
